Stephen King told me to write more. Not directly of course but in his book, “On Writing.” (I wonder if he touches on the use quotation marks because I always struggle with them.)
I can’t help but read his book and wonder if he’s secretly racist. In this climate, come on, we are all thinking it. All white people are a little bit racist, it’s what we are taught. But I don’t think Stephen is anymore racist than I am.
Which is just a little bit.
But anyways, here I am writing. Mercury in retrograde has me scared to do anything else. Now is not a good time to make things shake but rather to pause and reflect. So reflect I am. I’m reflecting on the things I have been through, men in particular.
I think about the men I have loved or thought I loved in the past. The first that comes to mind is the Sag. He was the coolest, so chill. I can’t even recall a time that he was angry. If he ever was, it didn’t last long.
He was my favorite because he never disrespected me. Plus he was always dressed nice and everybody loved him. It’s nice being with someone everyone loves when you’re a person everyone usually dislikes. It feels although maybe the love will rub off on you.
It was short lived though, but it was a moment in time I’ll never forget. I like to say he was my first love.
Then there was the Cap, the Cancer, and an Aquarius. My 4 loves. There was also Scorpio who I felt was my idea of the perfect man.
Aside from the fact that he was an habitual liar.
I pushed him away with my unhealed trauma or “being toxic” as he called it. He was right though. I was toxic. But it’s only cause he made me that way! Ha.
Honestly, what do you think is to become of a friendship/relationship built on lies? This particular guy had lied to me about his age, his success and numerous other things. One of the numerous other lies was when he had told me he didn’t eat pork. But I remembered him telling me he had the ribs at a restaurant he had suggested to me before. I call him out on this. “They were beef” he told me.
I let it go over the phone but later, I had check the restaurant’s menu and the only ribs they sold were pork.
Why lie? “Maybe the restaurant had changed their menu,” is the excuse I comforted myself with in order to still see him as the perfect guy I thought he was.
Many will look at me “pushing him away” as a good thing, and maybe it is. But he’s still the closet to perfection I have gotten.
So it brings me to wonder what about him was so perfect.
1. He was tall but not a lanky tall.
2. He had a nice sense of style. He was hip to what was hot in the streets and I like that.
3. He had goals and ambition.
4. He got along with my mom. (It’s very important to me, that I’m with someone who can mingle with my family. Family matters.)
5. He impressed me. Even between the lies, I was still impress. And I’m not easily impressed.
6. He taught me things about myself. He paid attention to me and cared enough to try to figure me out.
7. I felt comfortable with letting him lead.
I have never found all those qualities in one man. I had thought I hit the jackpot.
That has been my dating life thus far. Thinking I have hit the jackpot, only to receive my winnings and it being a bag full of fool’s gold.
Dating for fun is fun but I’m dating to find my life partner. Who wants to do life with me? Who will grow old with me?
Or will I be alone? That thought scares me but I’m trying to face my fears and become comfortable with the idea of being lonely.
Maybe love is not meant to last here.
But anyways. Stephen said to write more, so here I am.