11/15/20

My dad often uses the words dumb and stupid when he talks to me. I hate it.

It has become a trigger for me. I’m neither dumb or stupid. I may think differently but that’s it.

I would say I grew up in a toxic household, maybe that’s why I’m so toxic, lol. I envy those who seem to have healthy relationships with their parents.

I grew up always thinking I was unlike everyone else, family members included. No one understands me and I don’t understand them.

I have made friends outside of my family that I find more relatable. I would say I relate most to my brother Lonnie, since we both grew up with our mom.

If you know Lonnie, that should say a lot.

I hate it at home too. I always have, it’s why I grew up depressed. My parents are good people but they are not good for each other. But they stay together, I think for me. Now, for Eli.

What a burden to carry. Am I the reason for my parents unhappiness?

Anyways, I argued with my father today. I said something really mean and I apologize.

My tongue is ninja sharp. I seek to kill.

And I often do, then I regret it.

I wonder who I would be if I grew up in a healthy household. Would I be more confident? Happier? Less fucked up?

Most likely.

I love my parents but I don’t want my son growing up around them.

He might grow up fucked up too.

My dad says I’m dumb because I’m still in the home with them. I feel like I’m right where I need to be though. I feel like everything so far, has led me to where I am now. Had I been living on my own, the bills would have probably kept me from following this dream.

But now, I feel like I’m ready. I ready to live in a healthy environment.

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