Depression be kicking my ass. I won’t lie. A sure way that I can tell I’m depressed is by how messy my room is. Lol.
Today I acknowledged the mess by getting up and cleaning it. It was giving “damn b*tch, you live like this” vibes. This is usually my first step out of my depression episodes. Acknowledgment!
I took a shower. I washed my hair. I lit a candle. And now I’m writing.
Self care, is what they call this huh?
I wish I had some comfort food though. Which reminds me of the beef stew I was supposed to make.
My life is honestly a constant tug of war of me and depression.
It had gotten better the first year my son had been born but now it’s back full force.
I guess the bliss of having a new child has gone away. Now it’s replaced with people and their judgmental remarks on my parenting. It’s also replaced with me realizing I have a whole human depending on me.
Shit got real-er.
The thought of suicide used to be comforting because it was like hey, if all else fails I can end this sh*t right now! (I said this jokingly btw)
Now that I have a son, that thought is no longer comforting. Now I worry about who will raise my son if I’m not here and will they raise him the way I want him to be raised.
If you ask me, my parents failed when raising me. Not to say they didn’t take care of me, they did but did they really nurture and build me up? I don’t think so.
Think of a child as a plant, and how they need to grow in the weight environment to strive. Yes they need to be watered, but they also need to be receiving the right amount of light. It is also said that plants respond well if you speak life into them, or simply play some nice music.
Feeding them in more ways than one.
I think my parents thought all they needed was to give me water to grow.
I wonder who I would be had my parents installed confidence in me. I wonder are some kids just born confident or if there was someone or some people who made them that way.
Working with kids, I think it’s the latter. I think the most confident kids I see are those who have someone who encourages it.
So that’s one thing that I want for my son. Although I feel like this is more of a problem for young girls.
I want him to know that he is a child of God. Which will give him power. I want him to know how to pay attention to body language and tones. I want him to know to look beyond what he hears or sees. I want him to be wise.
I don’t want him to become one of these men of the world. You know those superficial and ignorant ones. I want him to always be true to himself. To remain as pure as possible.
I can not trust anyone one person to teach my son all these things.
Knowing this is why I continue battling my depression and not succumbing to it.
Depression is the heaviest weight I carry and it is such a hindrance.
If you ask me, I would say the cause of my depression is anxiety. I read that people who gave anxiety will replay a situation over and over again.
This is me.
I have been replaying the whole situation that happened to me yesterday in my head non stop since it happened.
I really hate when I do this. Which is why I try to drink or get high to escape from it. Sometimes it just makes it worse though.
Mentally, I know this is my anxiety but spiritually I feel like it’s….. we are just going to call it the devil for now. You know when things are getting better for you and you have that one opposing force that comes and tries to shake the table?
That’s it. That’s what we are calling the devil. That opposing force. My rival.
As Rick Ross once said “He knocking on the door, don’t let the devil in!”
I be trying not to.