“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning in the suffering.”– Friedrich Nietzsche
That is one of my favorite quotes. I first heard it in a DMX song.
I heard it again today listening to Viktor Frankel’s “Man’s Search For Meaning”.
I realized, I can relate. I think I have been searching for meaning my whole life.
As you may or may not know, depression and suicidal thoughts are not new to me. I have suffered from depression my whole life, well as far as I can remember.
I grew up wanting more for everyone around me, including myself. I often wonder if I took on the depression because everyone else around me was so unhappy.
Or maybe I was just unhappy because I understood early on, how society worked. Society favored the attractive and/or the stylish. If you had either or, you were in. In, meaning the “in crowd”, the cool kids.
I was not in. I was neither attractive nor stylish. But oh how I dreamed of being stylish. I remember going online and looking at all the clothes I would buy, if I had the money to.
I soon learned how to win friends with my personality. I was funny and a good listener. So that kinda got me in, I became friends with the cool kids but I never necessarily became one.
That was fine with me though.
Then, I had a reality check. Some of the “friends” I had thought I had made put me in their slam book as “the ugliest girl” at school.
I was crushed.
Middle school was an awful place.
Between not feeling like I was enough and not having anyone to make me feel like I was enough, I wanted out. My first attempt at suicide, well that I can remember, was when I swallowed a whole bunch of pills with Gatorade. I remember the Gatorade because for years, I could not stomach the taste of the orange flavored Gatorade I tried to end my life with. Till this day, just the thought of the taste makes my stomach ache a little. I remember falling asleep and thinking I would never wake up again.
I had made other attempts at suicide, none that worked, obviously.
I remember thinking once how the devil really wanted me dead because he kept trying to take me out the game. So maybe I had a purpose after all.
It was just a thought though. I’m not sure I really believed it.
Well anyways, that humbling middle school experience sent me back into my shell to never fully come out again until maybe 2009 when I got on social media.
Social media was fun because I was able to let my personality shine and people cared less about my looks and sense of style. Although at some point I did develop both.
I have spent my last 10 years on social media. My entire 20s actually.
Durning these years, my search for meaning was often interrupted by hours of scrolling and the men I would meet through social media. But also in a way, social media gave me a purpose because I finally had a voice I wasn’t afraid to use.
And people listened.
I remember seeing tweets of how social media gave the lame people a platform. I was always a little offended by these tweets because I was the lame person who was given a platform.
I may be selling myself short a bit because I was never really THAT uncool. As I said, I was funny. I had a personality. But it was often hidden behind my uncool clothes and obvious lack of confidence. So I didn’t get the attention I wish I had.
As a type this, I wonder where I was supposed to gain this confidence that probably would have been helpful in my preteen and teenage years.
I think that any chance at confidence I may have had was killed by the shitty kids I went to school with. And there wasn’t anyone to tell me anything different to replace what they had taken away.
So I found that on Twitter.
My life became Twitter people and Twitter events.
I think that I got so attached to Twitter because it gave me what I was looking for, pseudo love and attention. It was the first time I felt like I was attractive and that someone cared about what I thought.
I know, that this is sad but it’s my truth.
Twitter ruled my 20s. I do not entirely regret it though because I have made lifelong connections thanks to my time with the bird.
But as I prepare to enter my 30s, I’m in search of more. I’m in search or understanding why I gave so much of my time away to meaningless interactions just so I can feel good about myself. Only to still have to face my reality.
It’s been 10 years and I am just finally facing my reality. I’m a Pisces. I like to escape and I like to loathe in self pity, hence this post.
But I’m really just trying to figure it all out.
WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!
For 10 years I got lost in social media trying to escape my reality instead of trying to fix it.
My reality is that I did not get all my needs met as a child.
As I recently pointed out to my mom, the bottom two were definitely met. The others, not quite.
I had been looking for a sense of love and belonging on the internet since I could not find it anywhere else.
Which resulted in me becoming the adult I am.
Lost in the f*cking sauce.
And the truth is, although I have stopped looking to the internet for that love and belonging I am so desperate for, (kinda). I now look for it in my relationships. Well I have always loooked for it in relationships because I always knew that the love I got online, wasn’t real.
It just filled the void.
I remember my first time losing someone I thought I had. I thought it would be forever. I thought I had finally found the love I had been searching for. It was also the first time I experienced a panic attack.
I was devastated. This kind of lost had to happen about *counts in head* four more times for me to finally grasp the idea that some people are only for a season. As I heard Kanye say. 😉
In between my loss and humbling experiences, I found bits and pieces of meaning through songs, books, and creative avenues such as photography, writing and event planning. Which brings me here.
With writing through my blog and trying to start a business to help others like me, I have found meaning. My son also has brought me meaning.
But even with all that, I have found that it is still not enough.
I’m still unhappy. Why? I do not know.
Because I still have not fully had my love needs met, maybe?
That makes me think of this tweet I seen last month.
Will money be the solution to my problems?
Maybe, maybe not?
But it won’t hurt to have it, to see, right?
Which brings me to another favorite quote.
“Success is not the result of making money, earning money is the result of success..” – Earl Nightingale
Up until I read that quote I thought it was the other way around, I had thought that success was what happened when you made a lot of money. But I liked this perspective a lot better because it seemed way easier to achieve. Or so I thought.
I read that quote 10 years ago, LOL.
I’m still broke and quite unsuccessful.
I think it’s because I have been going about it all wrong.
As I try again and again to start a successful business, I keep forgetting about the most important thing.
And not the foundation of the business but the foundation of myself.
It finally clicked that I will not be able to reach any kind of success until first reach personal success.
I have been doing it all wrong. I have been doing all the exterior work but not the interior work.
Simply put, I have not healed yet.
So, I have decided to take action finally. Real action.
I think at the surface, my problem is that I lack confidence. But I know that it goes even deeper into why exactly I lack confidence but I finally gave in and decided that I will let a therapist help me sort that out. Not just any therapist though. A hypnotherapist because I want him to dig deep inside my pysch and pull it right out by the root.
I have also looked into a modeling coach. Not because I want to model but taking an etiquette class has always been something I wanted to do. This coach will not only teach me etiquette but she will also teach me how to walk and pose with style and grace.
I need that. I look like such a dork when I pose for pictures.
I also looked into a public speaking coach because public speaking is one of my greatest fears. I hate the way I speak. While I was not blogging I was spilling my thoughts out through voice notes that I had plan to share with you all but I really can not stand the sound of my voice. I still might though. We shall see.
But I am trying to step out of my comfort zone and really fix some things inside myself that need fixing.
While also still studying life and its philosophers. Such as Matthew McConaughey.
Being off social media and being forced to deal with real life is kinda nice.
Will update later.