dear dairy 01.09.21

Yesterday was a really bad day for me, but it’s a day I have had many times before. It’s a day where I thought that there was just no point in trying anymore.

I hate those days because I know better but it’s like all the things I have been carrying just boil over and that one little thing just sets me off.

“Why can’t I be normal” is what I texted my best friend when I started coming to my senses.

But I had really planned it all out. I was done. I was just waiting for my chance. I was thinking about how everyone would be better off with me gone. The only person I was worried about was my son, but I even thought at the moment, that maybe he would be better off too.

Even as a type this, I’m ashamed because I know better. But sometimes it just seems like there’s no way out.

My mom is the one who set me off this time, I think she always the one who sets me off. We got into another argument about something I can’t even remember. I swear, all I want from my mom is some understanding. It sucks when your own mother can’t see the light in you that others see.

I told her, she doesn’t have to worry about me anymore. She knew what that meant. “Are you that weak?” she asked.

“Yes”

I replayed that question in my head 100 times yesterday.

Was I really being weak? I thought about how my associates may think the same. No sympathy, no pity, just disdain. “What a sad b*tch” they would say. I can’t go out like that.

I say that now but in the moment, I thought,” I’d be dead, who cares what they think.”

After all that my mom said, are you going to work? Oh that was it.

That when the thoughts went full throttle. I mean I had texted her saying that I would be late but her response to that was just “ok, how late” LIKE CMON LADY! I am having a mental break down, I can’t put a time on it. Between that and my son falling asleep, I decided I wasn’t going.

So she came home and that’s when she asked if I was going to work. Not a “are you ok” not a “how are you feeling?” My mom’s love and affection is something that I crave so badly and I don’t know why. I hardly like her most days. But even that, I believe, comes from some unhealed childhood wounds.

I tried to sleep it away, or whatever Solange says. Perhaps I did actually, cause I had woke up with some sense. Then my packages came, and it was a mood booster. Made me wish I would go on a shopping spree, that should help.

I started to come back to life a little. Just a little because I still went to sleep thinking maybe I should just go through with the plan.

Well I woke up in a better mood,

I looked at my son and couldn’t believe I was almost about to leave him.

Yesterday was a really bad day for me.

But I’m back .

I spent the day catching up on Snowfall. Season 2, episode 10, the finale. When Franklin was in jail and had gotten beat up. Then Leon came and told him to “show them who tf you is” I felt that in my soul. Franklin, with his head low, people looking and laughing like he’s a weakling. Thats’s where I was yesterday. But today, I remembered who I was.

I suffer from suicidal thoughts from time to time, but it isn’t who I am.

I am not weak because I have moments of weakness.

I am not in need of sympathy or pity. Maybe just understanding.

I share these truths with you, not for anyone to feel bad for me but for those who can relate.

Your story matters, my story matters, our stories matter.

We gotta remember who tf we are.

Love you,

Chieaynne.

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