It’s been a tough couple of months, I have been in and out of depression but I think I’m back for a while now. At least I hope so.
I found myself looking to see when my period is coming, fearing it’s arrival and the mood swings that it my bring. I hope it doesn’t catch me this time.
I want to be happy. I love being happy, I love appreciating the things I have. I love making people laugh. I love being light to people in the dark. And I am all that and more when I am my best self.
I miss being my best self. I kinda feel like I’m there. I’m almost there.
I looked in the mirror and I look like depression. I look like life has been hard, I hate that. But I know that’s what depression does to me.
Now that I’m feeling better, I have to start the process of building myself up again. Getting my eyebrows done, making an appointment to the nail shop or at least giving myself a pedicure.
I’m looking ROUGH right now.
I logged into IG by mistake again and just after a few seconds of scrolling I remember why I had it deleted it.
IG reminds me of everything I’m not, lol. But I think I needed it today, because it made me look in the mirror like “damn b*tch, what happened to you”.
I’ll be 30 next month. My 20s are over. And I’m so not who I imagined myself to be at 30.
It’s cool though.
I had seen this post from Amy Luciani the last time I was on IG by mistake (🙄 definitely mercury retrograde vibes), that said 5 years ago she was making $8 at Walmart, driving a hoopty. I think she deleted the post now because I don’t see it but I definitely needed that. 5 years ago I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship. I was dead broke and in a terrible place. I had went from being baker acted after a failed suicide attempt straight into a relationship with a man who I thought was everything I had needed. (This a story for another post.)
But that realization made me see that I’m not doing that bad at all. I have came a long way.
My outside appearance may not be what I expected but inside, the growth is amazing.
The woman I am spiritually is exactly what I hoped for, well depression aside lol.
But maybe the depression is why I am who I am. My depression has made me able to see people for who they really are, good and bad. It has helped me to be more understanding. My depression has caused me to read more books, books that have shaped my way of thinking.
My depression has brought me here.
But I’m ready for a new journey. I’m ready to leave depression behind me and I was almost there. After giving birth to my son, I hadn’t seen depression for almost 2 years. I was almost there.
You know how alcoholics celebrate their days sober. “Yeah, 190 days sober today.”
That’s how I want to be with depression. “Yup, 56 days depression free today” lol.
I know bad days will come, I’m not being unrealistic here but I just want to handle them better.
We shall see.