I think the reason I’m so excited to move is because I can’t wait to be somewhere that I will feel like I belong.
I never felt like I belong in my home. I always felt different.
Do you know what it feels like to be an outcast amongst the people who are closest to you?
Sometimes it feels like, if I can’t be accepted by them, will anyone accept me?
I ponder on the thought.
It makes me recall the time my mom told me that I won’t have a lot of friends because my personality is too strong.
Was she right? Is it the reason I don’t have a lot of friends? Or did the fear of not being liked because of my strong personality keep me from making friends?
I think about that.
Then I escape my thoughts altogether.
Because I am not comfortable with the thought of being alone.
So searching for things for my apartment has been my escape. Getting lost in YouTube DIY videos has been my escape. Dreaming of my perfect home has been my escape.
(Like the site.)
Hey, it’s better than drugs and alcohol.
So don’t think I’m being naive when I talk about all the things I want for my apartment. (Ok maybe I’m just a little naive) but I’m really just trying to escape from my reality a bit until I’m finally free.
I compared me moving out to being released from prison. I think my parents were a little offended by this. I softened the blow by saying it was more like a federal prison than a state one.
Which is true. It wasn’t terrible…….
but they are definitely the feds.
I don’t even like talking on the phone in my house because they are so nosey. If they even hear me on the phone, they ask who was I on the phone with. And once, after getting off the phone with someone, my brother asked me a question about something I said while on the phone.
That’s how unapologetically nosey they are.
I can’t wait to be free.
I love my family and I would kill for them but I think they are stunting my growth. I can’t wait to see who I become once I’m no longer under their influence.