Friends (again.)

It’s exactly 2 weeks until my birthday.

Every birthday is like a “how good of a friend have you been this year” test.

Who will be there to celebrate with me?

I wonder.

I think about all the birthday celebrations I didn’t attend, most likely due to the depression or Eli. (It’s rare that I have a baby sitter for Eli)

Who will show up for me when I haven’t showed up for anyone?

I think I go through this every year lol. So every year since about 24/25 I have just been celebrating my birthday with a family dinner.

But this year, my mom is scheduled for a surgery ON my birthday.

(She is ok).

My 30th birthday.

This is a milestone! How ironic considering the relationship my mother and I have.

So I was faced with either celebrating my birthday all alone or going through my list and choosing who I think might show up for me.

This was eye opening.

I really need to be a better friend.

I had these thoughts last night (I wrote this about a week before posting) and then today my friend Megan texted me and asked for the coffee maker I wanted 🥺🥺🥺.

Does this mean I showed up for at least one person this year?!

I needed that.

For a second, I was feeling unworthy of friends. Because I wasn’t being a good enough one.

Having felt the benefit and relief of having people support and be there for me emotionally, it makes me see how much we as people, need others.

And like I need people, some people may need me. I have to make sure I’m being there for other people as well. We are all going through life. We all could use support.

And at my best, I think I am that person but….

I tend to get so caught up in my own problems, I forget to be a friend sometimes.

But the first step towards change is admitting you need to change.

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