Dear Diary: #soupbae revisited.

Now that I have talked about the man that I want, let me talk about the men I don’t.

One in particular: #soupbae

Now, you know the story of how the man brought me soup for my birthday. If not, it’s here.

But being the Pisces that I am, I continued rocking with him. Even after that post. I know… I do dumb things sometimes.

I wanted to vent about it because there’s some things that have been bothering me and I wanted to talk about. Let’s just start with the real kicker.

So boom, a week after the soup incident I moved into my apartment. We had talked about me being nervous to sleep in my apartment the first night by myself and he had offered to spend the night “on the couch” we all know that was bs from the jump, right? Right.

We had went out on a date prior. Remember, he canceled what was supposed to be our first official date. So at the date, it was my first time seeing him outside of work and without a mask. I remember my first thought being “wow, I’m really on a date with an old man” because he was definitely giving 40+ but it was cool. I wasn’t really feeling our first encounter but I was trying to make the most of it. Not even 5 mins into the date he had already turned me off by bringing up the “attitude” I gave him when he called me before it was time to go and he seemed like he was going to cancel again. As if my attitude wasn’t justifiable. HELLO. But why bring that up right away when we are trying to have a good time, it gave “messy b*tch that lives for drama.”

Just vibe bro.

Whatever. Sitting at the table I couldn’t help but notice how much older he looked and questioned rather or not I was actually attracted to him. But after a few drinks I was over it and the date was ok, I guess.

Move in day, he picked me up and we got take out from a jerk chicken spot. Cool.

It’s time for bed. He made his way straight to my bed. So much for the couch, it wasn’t up yet but he still didn’t even ask about sleeping on the floor.

So we lay down, we kiss, he stops and asks me what I’m thinking.

I asked him what he was thinking.

“The same thing you’re thinking” hmmm no sir you’re not because at this point I’m not even sure if I’m sexually attracted to you like that.

I ask him if he needs lotion, as a joke.

He says yes.

I passed him the bottle just assuming he would step out to handle his business. Nope. Buddy pulled his d*ck out right then and there. Asked me to come here, I was reluctant but he insisted. He then tried to place my hand on his penis.

I refused.

I was creeped out. I wasn’t sure what to do or how to feel so I just with with it. I kissed him as he masturbated and even then I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not. It was weird. I felt violated.

This was the same man who said bringing me roses was too intimate, but yet, one week later he is jacking off in front of me.

That still haunts me till this day. I wish I would have cut him off right then. When I did officially cut him off, I brought it up again (because of course I mentioned it before) and his response was “you could control yourself, I couldn’t” says a 42 years old, “man of God.”

I tried to move on from it. I let it go (kinda) and still continued talking to him.

But more things just kept popping up. Like that time I left him in my house only to come back to my trash not taken out. How do you leave a man in your home and he doesn’t even take out the trash? This was an hour long debate between me and him.

Unacceptable.

Another time… He was over, asked if these were the last of my paper towels, I said yes. He went to the store and came back with no paper towels.

Things like that just really pissed me off about him. He was just so not thoughtful.

The thing that finally pushed me to the edge was when he came to my house with sunflowers, after I had told him my favorite were roses.

I was done after that. Such a minor thing compared to the others but I had had enough.

It’s been about two months since I cut it off and I have just been full of regret ever since. Wtf was I thinking?!

I think that I got so caught up in wanting to get married that I almost settled. I was blinded by the food and the jazz. I like that he wanted to cook for me and that we could enjoy wine and jazz together but that was about it.

I later realized that the reason he was always so down to cook for me, is because he had food stamps. I also made about 3x more than him. His job was only part time and Target employees make more than him, just so you can get an idea of what that weekly check was looking like.

That explains why he was always trying to come over and cook instead of going out. Ha. And yes, he came over because he lived with his momma.

Part time job, lives with mom, 42.

That’s what I almost settled for.

Gross.

In 2019 I had a breakthrough when a guy who’s league I knew I was way out of, thought he had a shot. That’s when I said to myself, “self, you better tighten up.” So I started getting my nails done again, started dressing better at work, and simply putting a bit more care into my appearance.

In 2021, I had another breakthrough when I gave a broke man some p*ssy.

And sadly this isn’t the first broke man I have had sex with but it is certainly the last.

The great BIA once said “I’m not f*cking no n*gga if he don’t deserve it” and it’s a quote I now stand by.

And soup bae simply did not deserve it.

Unfortunately, I still see him everyday at work and I hate it. Because every time I see him, it’s a reminder of the regret and violation.

But hey. Lesson learned.

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