I think someone sent out a subliminal tweet about me yesterday, saying I was pressed to be in a relationship.
Or did I just take offense to it because I am?
I am feeling more and more unfulfilled by the relationships I have with people, not just intimate ones.
As I get older, I crave to be around people who speak life into me. Who make me feel good. Who introduce me to new things and new ways.
Some relationships just make me feel drained after an encounter with a person. Ones that just take take take from me but offer and add nothing.
I’m tired of those.
Pressed? I wouldn’t say that but I am longing for a intimate connection with someone. Someone who makes me feel safe and reminds me that I’m beautiful when I don’t feel like I am. It’s something I feel like I never genuinely had.
The feeling of loneliness has haunted me ever since I knew what being lonely was.
Around friends, around family, and even in most relationships, I have felt lonely.
And yes, I am tired of it. I don’t want to feel unseen anymore.
Luckily, with the birth of my son, I feel a little less lonely but it is not the same of the comfort of someone….. who is an adult(?)
I just want to be seen, I want to be heard, and I want to be held on nights (or mornings) like this when the weight of the world feels like it’s on my shoulders.
I want a meaningful relationship.
I am not ashamed to admit that.
But I am learning to become more comfortable with the thought that I may never get that relationship I do desire. Because some people never do.
I’m aware of that truth and the thought makes me sad every time.
There’s really people out there who never find the love they desire and I fear I may be one.
I know they say not to give up hope, but hope does not bring me comfort.
I find comfort here, in these lines that I write and share with you.
But the words only last for so long, when they run out, I will be here alone again.