Choices.

Every decision I made in my life has led me here.

From the clothes I have on to the emptiness in my stomach, they all started with a choice.

Choosing to be here with you through these words.

These are the decisions I made.

Everything is a choice.

Today I made a choice to abort the life I was pregnant with.

It was a choice I made quickly even though it was one of the hardest.

I remember when I found out my mom had an abortion before, I cried. How could she get rid of my sibling? (I am very dramatic, I know.)

But today I made the same choice.

I want more children, which is why it was a hard decision. But I want to bring more children into a stable household.

It is just me and my son. And the guy that I was pregnant by, is mistake I can’t seem to stop making (until now.) Which is why I made the choice quickly.

There was nothing to think about.

I know what I want.

I looked at my son and it’s like, of course I want another one of him.

But this is not how I want to do it.

For one, my son was actually made in love. I loved his father deeply when I got pregnant.

This child would have been made in lust. I would have resented him or her greatly, which is why I knew it wouldn’t be fair to bring them into the world.

I struggled with the idea of “what if God doesn’t bless me with anymore children?”

But I had to trust that God understood the decision I made.

I struggle as a single mother. I struggle as a single woman. I struggle with the fear that I will always be alone and have to essentially play both roles for my son, mother and father. I want him to have a man in the house to learn from. But I am teaching myself to be comfortable with the thought that I may never be able to provide him with such.

And I will not carry that burden x2.

I know how this may sound, but it is my truth. As a black woman, I should be proud to be independent. Knowing I am capable of doing all things.

Doesn’t mean I want to.

So I made the decision to get an abortion

It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

The room was dingy, the nurses were nice, the doctor was a little too straight to business for me but it was quick.

Afterwards, I was afraid of how I would feel.

But I’m fine. I know that I made the best decision for me.

Moving forward, I refuse to have sex with men I don’t want to get pregnant by. I have even committed to not having sex until I’m in a serious relationship.

I am now trying to live more intentionally.

Today marks the day I take control of my future.

More aware of my choices. More mindful of my decisions.

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