Rough draft… 08/21/21

So the truth is, I have been f*cking depressed. I have been trying to ignore it or have been afraid to admit it. Or maybe I really believed I wasn’t. Because it wasn’t like the last times, when I was suicidal too. This time I was just letting myself go, physically, spiritually, and mentally.

My home was and still is mess, my hair is a mess, I am a mess and I have been wasting my time on social media because I have been trying to avoid the truth.

I am fucking depressed, AGAIN.

I think it started with the pregnancy, or the abortion rather. Because I knew from the beginning what I was going to do.

It was all wrong. I was not supposed to be pregnant by a man who wasn’t the love of my life. I was not supposed to SINGLE and pregnant AGAIN. I was not supposed to be *not* living the life of my dreams and pregnant!

It was wrong and I was not having it.

But, do I regret it? Yes. I absolutely do. That was supposed to my 2nd child. And given the circumstances, I wonder if that 2nd child will ever come because 1. The men out here are lost. 2. Where is my dream life (jk, that is coming) but the hope is )almost) lost on men. Was that going to be my last chance another child?

I don’t only regret the abortion though. I regret the sex with a man I know I don’t want child by and I regret not cutting that man off years ago, I regret not staying true to myself and my beliefs.

There was a lesson here though, there was a few. I’ll probably share them later, but this is about my depression right now.

F*cking depression.

Has me spending money recklessly, and having conversations with random people hoping they can offer me some time of guidance on this journey. I almost felt like I was losing my mind, tbh.

I think the first step to getting yourself out of depression is admitting that you are.

(Duh)

Then making active steps to get out.

Like 1. Cleaning my damn house.

So that’s what I’ll do, today. It’s funny how I say I didn’t realize I was depressed but the clear sign was right in my face. This is the first time my house has been this messy, for this long since I moved in March.

I also reminded of how I haven’t been checking in with friends and family as much as I do when I’m mental healthy.

There’s always signs of depression. As I sit back and reflect on this past month, it’s like a “ah ha” moment.

Spiritual warfare, is what my church-y people will call it.

And it is exactly what it feels like.

Everyone has an explanation for it, though.

Even astrology because according to it, I was born to be depressed.

Depression is basically my brand.

I like sticking with the spiritual warfare story because at least it sounds like I have a fighting chance.

I think the hardest part of depression is trying to get out of it. It’s like trying to rock climb and you keep falling back down before you reach the top.

I am overwhelmed, it seems. And I don’t know where to start.

But I did say I was going to clean my home, so I guess I’ll start there?

To be continued…

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