In Vain?

It has now been 3 weeks and 1 day since my abortion. I have went through a string of emotions but mostly sadness.

I was doing so good up until the moment I allowed him back into my life, even if it was just for one night.

One night led to me making a decision I never thought I would have to make.

I still can’t believe it.. but life is funny like that ain’t it.

I was pregnant by a man I had had blocked for months before. I was pregnant by a man who had made me feel so low, so many times before. I had thought I taken my power back when it came to him, just using him when I was in need.

This time I was reminded of the dangers of unprotected sex, an unwanted child.

I even felt bad as typing that. But I did not want that child. Not with him and not under the circumstances. I did not want to be a single mom of 2. Was I being selfish? Ungrateful? A child is a blessing, is it not? So many people who can’t have children or struggling to get pregnant and here I am, getting an abortion. Am I wrong to not want this child? Does it make me a bad person? I felt as if I was being mean to a child who had not even developed yet.

The moment I found out, I knew I wanted to abort. I kept trying not to build a connection with the process that was happening in my womb. I became mean. I called it the “demon child”, made cruel jokes, I kept saying I can’t wait to get “it” out. But the truth is, I was just trying not to get attached. I figured I couldn’t and wouldn’t give birth to a child I referred to as a demon. (Listen, I really resented the guy, a lot of this was being mad at myself for letting him in again.)

It would be unfair to bring a child into this world that I resented. I knew that. I knew I wouldn’t like who I became under the pressure of being a single mom of 2. I also hated the way I felt when I was pregnant. I felt a lot meaner than I usually am. With my son, I was so happy, so full of love and I knew he would be light. This felt dark.

It was wrong.

I cried a lot, for many reasons, not just being pregnant but then again, probably was the REAL reason.

On top of being pregnant I was rejected by a guy I would have love to be pregnant by.

It was a mix of emotions.

I listened to Kirby’s “Vain” at least 100 times…. daily.

It embodied everything I was feeling. Straight from the intro…

“something tells me that after I do this I won’t be the same”

“It ain’t drugs, it ain’t lust but it feels like it’s numbing my pain”

“I have been hurt for so long, I’ve forgot how to love, is that strange.”

“Something tells you know what I mean and you feel the same”

I was longing for someone who knew how I was feeling. Someone to hug me and say that it’ll be alright.

Some days, I still am.

Most days, I can’t cry because my son is watching.

A few days, I wanted to cry but was simply unable.

Some days the tears came out on their own.

I asked a few women, how they felt if or when they had an abortion.

I wanted to know I wasn’t alone.

I’m not.

The emotion I felt that brought me the most satisfaction, was feeling like I was in control of my life.

I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.

That’s right.

I am.

But I’m scared, what if I never get blessed with a child again?

What if that’s my punishment?

Will I be punished?

So many emotions.

So many.

Too many.

I did ask the child to come back to me, at another time. A better time.

When I am in love. When I am happy. When I’m not doing it alone.

To my unborn child,

I love you. You are wanted. I just want to be the best for you.

Please come back to me.

– mom

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