Modern Love vs Modern Depression.

I started watching this show today on Prime. “Modern Love” is an anthology series based on real life love affairs.

I knew I was going to love it about 10 mins into episode one.

I actually think I may want to go back and rewatch it so I can write about it.

Episode 2, as well. That one made me cry.

I think I’m going to want to write about them all.

But I want to start by talking about episode 3. Because that one there was the charm, pun intended. This episode featured my fav, Anne Hathaway, who has had my heart since the Princess Dairies. This episode really resonated with me.

Anne Hathaway plays a character who is bipolar, but she doesn’t let us know until half way into the episode. Before she mentioned it, I was totally relating. I related to not being able to explain who I am, I related to being in a fantasy world, I related to the messy home and laying in bed scene. I thought it was just depression at first though.

When it was made clear that she was bipolar I immediately said “well that’s not me”.

My first reaction when anyone says they’re bipolar is “oh, so you’re a little crazy.” In my head of course, and never in bad way. Just in a “ok that makes sense” way because I too, am a little crazy. I know this is ignorant but in my defense, I’m black. Not to say that makes it ok but if you’re black you know the stigma that comes with mental illnesses.

This stigma is all I know. I can’t count how many times I have heard, “you need a therapist” “maybe you need a pill” or “you need some help” and it has never seemed to come from a place of genuine concern. More like, “go get a pill so you can stop bothering me with your depression.” Or it is used as an insult.

Most times as an insult.

Just the thought of being labeled as bipolar scares me. It’s crazy but to me, it is like the AIDS of mental illness. It’s so common but no one wants to admit it and it’s hard to accept it.

I’m not saying I’m bipolar (here goes the shame) but I did relate to the symptoms of bipolar II. The only difference being that I don’t have extreme highs. But I do have highs.

Like today for example.

It’s funny because today was such a good day, I started worrying about tomorrow and how it might compare and it made me get sad a little. Because no way will tomorrow be as good, I thought. (I also suffer from anxiety).

Then that episode came on and it had the same affect on me as that one line had on Anne right before her date was about to arrive. I turned everything off and climbed into bed and decided to write this.

I was no longer motivated to do anything. Not to wash the dishes, not to give my son a bath, not to iron our clothes for the next day.

(I keep telling myself I will do it in the morning.)

So I’m here writing because I’m afraid to be alone with the thought of having a real mental illness.

Does this mean I can’t be fix without the help of a pill?

I hate pills. I hate the thought of only being able to be happy if I take my meds. I don’t take pills when I’m sick, I’m (almost) against birth control in the form of a pill, (hence the unwanted pregnancy) and I only pop a Tylenol if I’m in extreme pain.

I don’t want to become dependent on anything unnatural. Yes. I’m one of those.

But maybe I’m not bipolar, you know. I have found other plausible causes of my mood swings. Like my menstrual cycle, and I even have astrology based facts to make sense of my unstableness.

That episode though.

It helps explain me.

So idk.

I imagine how people will judge me if I were to be professionally diagnosed with bipolar II disorder.

I guess I could always keep that to myself, but knowing me, I would write a book about it.

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